The photo? Maybe it doesn’t look like a heart, but I did that a couple of months back. (I guess you know that someone’s on your mind when you’re making hearts from your leftover school dinner, right?)
Maybe I’m a little bit late, but this time of the year has got me thinking about love, and all that it entails. I think I’ve alluded to my views and expectations of love before, but I think it’s quite a nice thing to write about so I’ll go into detail here. I don’t know if I’ve ever been in love, I guess I’ve never had the chance to be properly anyway, since the girls I liked haven’t reciprocated those feelings. All I can say is that when I’ve seen or talked to those certain girls, it’s been an amazing, wonderful feeling. I don’t know, maybe I don’t have any experience of it, but I can say I have felt strongly for people in the past.
It’s great, isn’t it? When you get a text from that girl you like, or better still they ask you to do something? 🙂 Every one of my friends says that I have an idealistic and not realistic view of love, that the things I talk about couldn’t happen, it just isn’t like that. I have to be honest, that confuses me. I mean sure, it can’t be sunshine and rainbows everyday, but you’re with the person THAT YOU LOVE! Right?! That has to be amazing! The one person that you connect with completely, you can’t wait to see. Maybe it’s best for me to explain my point of view to those that don’t know me. Actually, maybe a sort of story would help to explain it 🙂
You’ve know this girl for a while, and you’re really good friends. You tell each other everything, but then suddenly you feel kind of awkward because you realise that you have feelings for her. You meet up as usual, and she asks if something’s on your mind; you say no, just because you don’t know what to do. So I guess you carry on as normal, but you can’t get her out of your mind. One time, you’re talking in her room and without actually telling her, you let her know how much she means to you. She’s almost crying at hearing this (in a good way) and you have tears in your eyes too; so you hold each other. You let go of each other a little and you see ‘the look’ in her eyes; she sees it in yours; (andI’msoexcitedjustwritingthisthatI’veforgettentoexplainwhatthelookis!) ‘The look’, my friends, is that moment when you know something is different; well, it is in my eyes anyway. (Ironically, I’ve never had ‘the look’, but that’s how I imagine it.) So, back to our story. It’s kind of awkward now, so you just both let go and laugh a bit. Time passes, and she asks you if you’ll be her ‘date’ for the graduates ball (or something). She kind of brushes off that it’s a date, but you’re both so excited, you know? The day comes and she looks amazing, you can’t even believe that she’s with you in the first place. You feel nervous, but you’re with her; so you kind of get through it. You’re both transfixed on everything that the other is saying, until you’re at the ball and the slow song comes on. You stumble onto the dance floor together, but then you’re there – in that moment. No-one else is there, it’s just you and this girl. You’re just looking into her eyes, and before you know it, not only has the song finished, but the ball, too. You’re walking out with her, in the night which now looks so beautiful; so perfect. You reach for her hand, and she holds yours.
Amazing, right? Or, if you’re of my friends’ opinion, over the top. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that my perfect scenario isn’t going to happen to everyone, but what I fervently believe that that level of feeling; of complete love and trust, is possible. Maybe I’m a dreamer, and maybe these things will never happen for me, but I will not give up on that feeling of love. I think it’s right to mention that I did have an amazing evening with a girl once, at a dance. And if you’re reading this, thank you for that; it was truly one the best times I’ve ever had. I was just too scared and lacking in confidence to do anything about it afterwards, but you should know that it meant the world to me.
Don’t get me wrong, even without a girlfriend I have a lot of love in my life already. I guess it’s again an issue of my confidence, but I’d love to have someone in my life that really needed me, you know? Like,
‘if Sean (that’s my name) isn’t there then it’s not going to as good for me, I really want to know how he is!’
Again I’m coming back to my self-esteem issues, but I was let down a lot as a young boy and I’ve never really gotten over that. I wrote last time about people letting me down, and even if it’s a small thing (which happens to everyone), it’s like another chink in my armour. If someone let’s me down, it just emphasises my feeling that I’m not really good enough, like there’s always something/someone more important than me. I know that it’s not true, I’m just still having trouble shaking the feeling. I know that positive feelings have to come from within and I’m working on that, but still it explains why a relationship means something to me; in theory at least it would give me the feeling that I’m really important to someone.
The truth is, unless I get over those kind of feelings, then I won’t be able to have a girlfriend; as I say, it has to come from me. The girl I was thinking about when I made that heart shape? She didn’t feel the same way either, but that’s fine. I have the love of my friends and family already, and that’s something I’ll always cherish. If you have been lucky enough to have a wonderful moment of falling in love (and it’s been reciprocated) then feel free to leave a comment about how it all happened, I’d love to hear about it 🙂 Maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough to experience the same thing. If she is out there, I wonder what she’s doing now?
“No matter what happens, even if you become the world’s enemy; I’ll be your knight.”