This blog may initially sound a bit negative, but hopefully I’m able to convince you to stay for what I feel is a positive ending. I’m not certain of how much of what of this I’ve written in previous blogs, but honestly regardless of that I feel like it will be quite cathartic for me to write this, since it just raises a few concerns which I’ve had on my mind lately. I often find it difficult to talk about my problems in real life, because I feel like I’m just bringing everybody down, but at least here all people need to do is cross off the page if it’s not something which they want to read. As I say though, bear with me because I always try and find positives in a situation, and plus it may help other people who have similar issues.
“As my memory rests, but never forgets what I lost.”
My time at University is about to come to an end; in fact, my last hand-in is in around 8 days time. I have some difficult times ahead (as most people in my position will have) relating to finding a job, and a house here so I can stay with the friends I made. It’s not those literal concerns that are really bothering me, more the fact that if I don’t manage to find a job, then I’ll have to leave all of these people behind. I’m worried that I’ll be forgotten. This is the crux of my problem, and it all revolves around a lack of confidence. The thought of leaving and possibly being forgotten have really brought these issues to the fore once again, these issues which seem to have gone on forever.
What do I mean by this? Well, I don’t know why (although I will theorise) but I’ve never felt as if I’m on the same level as everyone else, it’s like I’m working to be where you all are. As I say, I’ll list my best guesses at it.
a) When I was younger, I was let down a lot by my friends. I remember spending almost entire summers by myself, wondering why I wasn’t good enough for them or what I did wrong.
b) I made a lot of friends in 6th form, but when everyone left for University I only really heard from 3 of them every so often, the rest just hardly spoke to me. That year when I was 18 was the most difficult time I’ve ever faced. Not only did I have that going on, but for 8 months I was unable to find a job, until the 43rd time lucky. You’re probably thinking ‘that’s not so bad’, and to be honest you’re probably right; but there is one more thing I haven’t mentioned yet. Everyone left my house, everyone. I don’t know if the fates conspired against me or something but everyone got boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time and just moved out. So, for 8 months (minus visits a couple of times a week) I was alone in my house, in a small village. I structured my days out, tried to keep busy but I was just so lonely, and I could feel my confidence ebbing away, like if so many people didn’t want to talk to me anymore then it must be me that had the problem to solve, you know? If 7 friends don’t talk to you anymore and 3 do, then logically it’s all in the numbers.
I don’t know if those are the reasons for my lack of confidence now, but they’re the only things I can think of (and I’ve thought a lot about it). I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m okay it’s just really disheartening sometimes when you’re always questioning your own value. I think one of the great things about having a girlfriend would be someone wanting to know how you are, and how your day has been. As you can imagine, it’s nice for me to have that reassurance. But the reassurance has to come from me, otherwise in the long run it won’t really mean anything.
“Listen, I have faith in you but none of that matters unless you have faith in yourself!”
Exactly. I’m not trying to be arrogant or anything, but a lot of people have said nice things about me (I’m sure it’s the case with most people). This is great and really helps me but the feeling doesn’t last, because for whatever reason I don’t believe it. My friend and I were speaking the other day and she’s recently been seeing someone new which is really cool. We got onto the topic of my own love life (or lack of it, I guess). She’s like ‘go for it!’ But I can’t. I’ve liked girls before, and whenever I do it really brings all of this stuff to the fore, majorly. I’m looking around the room thinking ‘yeah, there are tonnes of better guys here’ and it’s horrible. I have a responsibility to my future girlfriend (hopefully) but mainly to myself to overcome this first rather than involving them in it. That may sound like the wrong decision but it feels like the right thing to do.
So for the last couple of weeks, that’s been me. It’s tough, but I promised you a positive ending, right? Well here it comes.
“I have so many questions…where do I come from?”
“You just have to decide what kind of man you want to grow up to be, Clark. Whoever that man is, he’s gonna change the world.”
Whatever happens to us, we always have a choice about how to react. Now you may say that I haven’t reacted the best way to those things that happened to me in the past and that’s probably true, but something great came for it all. I’ve always been responsible and in some ways these events have been a double edged sword, but my responsibility to others as well as my sense of empathy have both been heightened exponentially. I’ve always wanted to help people (for a long time anyway) but going through that has made me determined to make sure that no-one else goes through that. If I see someone alone or upset then I’ll do my utmost to help them, because I don’t ever want them to feel the way that I did, and sometimes still do. I’ll give my all for those people, I’ll protect them as long as I’m able to.
There are times when it probably goes too far; for example when I’m running and I’m catching someone up ahead, I’ll run around a much longer route in the hope that they don’t see me overtaking them, because if they did then they might feel bad, you know? Granted, that’s probably taking it too far but it’s the price I pay. If worrying about these things gives me more chance of helping others then it can’t be too bad, anyway. In some cases being conscientious about these things can really give me a viewpoint which others don’t see, you know like if someone is upset or needs cheering up but no-one notices.
I hope that when you’ve been reading this, it doesn’t sound like I’ve been complaining because that wasn’t my intention, I just wanted to get some things off my chest. As I say, we always have a choice about how to respond, and I’ll continue to work hard to try and ensure that maybe someday I can have that much-needed self-respect.
Take care, guys 🙂